The Frozen Saga: Episode II

Rise of the Pointless Franchise

First question you’ll ask: why does the title say ‘Episode II’ if by the upload date this was the first post about this subject? I made “Episode I” as a half-hour long video review of the film in summer 2014, in which I ranted and complained about Frozen, known in this series as Icebox. I didn’t do anything after that. There wasn’t anything else to discuss, save for a couple rumors that ended up becoming true via “Icebox: On Ice!” I had no clue that two years after making that video I’d still have relevant material to discuss! Anyways, on with Part II.

I first noticed Icebox becoming a major thing during the winter of 2013. Everybody was singing the songs (even in high school), people were going back to see it again and again, merchandise flew off shelves- yet I wasn’t worried. Surly this is just a one-year thing and it won’t become a franchise, I thought. With a story as cliched and poorly-written as that one is, there’s nothing to worry about!

That wasn’t one of my better predictions.

Enter three calendar years later and two years after I made my review, and MouseEars, better known as Disney, has turned Icebox into a mega-franchise. Now I finally have more stuff to talk about and by talk I mean mostly rant, sometimes in all caps.

Because I didn’t make this clear enough before, let me make one thing very, very clear:

I do not like Icebox. Not one. Little. Bit.

 

I’ll start off with the upcoming ride at MouseEarsWorld, titled: “Icebox Ever After.” Before mentioning the obvious problem, we need to recognize what ride its replacing. Yes, because MouseEars doesn’t have enough empty land they decided to- well, to its little bit of credit, the location itself was a smart move.

Icebox Ever After will open possibly this May, and it’ll be taking the place of the popular viking-based boat ride Maelstrom. Since the ride was part of a Norway-themed area, it only makes sense that its replacement, which is inspired by Norway, should go there. Ready for the bad?

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT DUMB TITLE?? “Ever After”? That’s one of the most generic, unmemorable titles for a movie-based ride I’ve ever heard of! Seriously, think about it, wouldn’t you want to call your to-be mega-popular ride something like “Icebox: The Continuing Adventures” or “Icebox: The Experience”?  Then again, considering how bad the story was I shouldn’t be too surprised this is all they bothered to name the ride.

Since IAE is taking over a former ride and mostly has to fit into a predetermined space (they’ve actually made it a couple hundred yards longer than Maelstrom), designers determined they would leave the former ride’s boats, inspired by Viking longships, and the water ride aspect untouched. Does anyone else see the problem?

IT’S A BOAT RIDE WITH WATER- WATER- BASED ON A MOVIE WHERE FLOWING WATER FREEZES!!! AND WHY LONGBOATS? DON’T REMEMBER SEEING THOSE IN THE MOVIE!! Okay, I do think MouseEars will come up with some clever explanation for the obvious flowing water and most kids won’t be upset by the longboats presence, although some will obviously ask why they’re traveling in boats instead of, I don’t know, sleighs. You know, that would make much more sense since sleighs ACTUALLY APPEARED AND WERE USED FOR TRAVEL in the film.

Now is IAE a positive or negative? I hate to admit it, but in a theme park sense and a fanbase sense, its a massive positive. Icebox fans will now have an official ride to call their own and the revenue from the ride will help the park achieve a profit. Its not the greatest thing MouseEars has ever put in their park and losing Maelstrom, a unique ride I remember riding almost thirteen years ago does sting, but in terms of popularity and receiving money, its a double hit.

Oh, and with the opening of the ride the second most annoying song MouseEars has ever made will now finally reside in the vicinity of the most annoying song MouseEars ever made (It’s a small world after all…).

 

Unfortunately, this ride isn’t where the franchise ends. Next up is a still-in-the-works Broadway musical, which everyone, even people like me who don’t enjoy the movie, could probably see coming. The film itself is, in one respect, a collection of music videos (unlike some earlier MouseEars animated musicals), so putting it on stage should be a walk in the park. Of course, there is the slight issue with trying to simulate ice drifts and falling snow but I’m sure they’ll figure it out. I don’t find a problem with this idea, and actually think it’s the most sensible one MouseEars came up with.

Since one sensible musical apparently isn’t enough, Icebox will also apparently get its own TV show. A TV SHOW???? Okay, okay, big elephant in the room: WHAT IN THE NAME OF PYROTECHNICS IS THIS SHOW GOING TO BE ABOUT???? Think about it: the movie really left no open ends, every plot thread (save for one annoying one, more on that later) was finished by the end. There’s not a single character in the film you can make a TV show about because their story arcs are (with that one minor exception) finished! The only TV show with a multi-episode plot I could foresee would be a show where it tells all the characters origin stories. But oh wait, the movie ALREADY HAS A SONG WHERE WE SEE THEM AGE!!

So I’ve got nothing. I swear, if the show is centered on the snowman, I’ve lost what very little faith I had in MouseEars creative department to begin with!

 

That, I’m sorry to say, isn’t all. Sadly, MouseEars doesn’t know when to stop ordering things. Coming in approximately 2018: Icebox 2. No joke. And the first question we all have is: “What’s the story?” I happen to have a couple ideas on the subject.

First, both sisters have children or are at least married. Second, somebody dies. Doesn’t have to be the heroes, but somebody dies. Third, the villain has a villain song. Fourth, the villain’s powers are the opposite’s of the sister’s: instead of ice, he conjures fire, which will make the three-minute action scene more dramatic. Fifth, make the moral better. Sixth, make the villain scary and believable. Seventh, WRITE SOME CLASSIC-SOUNDING SONGS and finally, DO NOT- DO NOT REUSE…THAT SONG!!!

Of course, I know my last request isn’t going to come true so what’s the point?

MouseEars isn’t known for making blockbuster sequels released in theaters and their direct-to-DVD sequels to their other, far superior animated musicals are all garbage. I know Icebox 2 will make a huge amount of money and they’ll have singalong screenings again (yes, that was a real thing). I was forced to see Icebox against my will. Twice. There’s only one way someone’s going to get me to watch Icebox 2- and I’m not really sure what that way is. So don’t even try.

Icebox started as a movie idea stuck in development you-know-where for over half a century, got made, received worldwide recognition, attention, and revenue, 1/8 of which was directed towards soundtrack sales, and now has become one of the biggest animated franchises MouseEars has ever owned. Nothing else to say- for now.

“The Frozen Saga: Episode III”- coming May 2016

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